Friday, September 23, 2005
What I need
This picture is symbolic of how much I really need my husband. He flies around the country, and in this case, the world, fairly often for a student. And every time he flies I kind of freak out. I obsessively check the flight status (above pic) until I know he has safely landed. And then I worry even more if he doesn't immediately call me when he arrives at the gate. He didn't call me when he arrived in London. It was like 11:00 pm when he landed and I forced myself to stay awake until 1:00 am hoping he would call. I finally gave up and took my phone to bed with me. I found out later that his cellphone didn't work in England (even though we'd arranged for international coverage) and he did call when he finally could. I've never been happier to hear his voice.
When I was pregnant with Bria we were asked to house sit for Joel's brother, Dave. During that same week, Sean (another brother) needed Joel to help him with the computer graphics for the cover of the CD he was about to release. They left in the early evening, sometime after dinner, and as I was quite great with child and very exhausted, I went to bed.
At some point during the night, as all pregnant ladies do, I got up to use the bathroom. I noticed Joel wasn't back yet, but I wasn't too alarmed...it was probably 11:00 pm. I went back to sleep, only to wake up needing to use the bathroom again. This time it was 1:00 am and Joel still wasn't back. I was starting to feel anxious about that, but I realized he was with his brother and maybe they had gone out to eat after they finished or something. I couldn't really go back to sleep very easily this time...instead, I sat up, watching the clock and listening for every car that passed to see if they pulled up. By 3:00 am I was really freaked out (I can't even remember how many prayers I had said by then...but it was a lot) and I wanted to get in the car and go find them. The problem was, Joel & Sean had taken our car and only Sean's car was at the house. Since hotwiring cars isn't one of my skills, I was left to sit up and worry even more. Of course, by 4:00 am, I was sure they were dead in a ditch somewhere and I started concocting all sorts of horrible scenarios. I contemplated calling the police, but figured they would have called me first. And then I realized..."I am not at my home...they won't know where to reach me." So I started obsessively calling the voice mail at our apartment to see if anyone had called. Minutes continued ticking by and still they did not come. Finally, at 5:30 am, I couldn't handle it anymore and I called my dad because I knew he'd be up. He said he'd come get me (my parents lived just around the corner from my brother-in-law) and I could use one of their cars to go looking for them.
Feeling a little better, or at least like I could do something about the situation, I stood out on the front porch to wait for my dad. Guess who drove up? Joel and Sean. In my relief that they were alive and well, I started yelling at them for putting me through such an ordeal. They both felt horrible and admitted the project had taken much longer (obviously) than they had planned, and they assumed I would have been asleep, so they didn't call.
So that was the first time in my marriage that I had been truly afraid I might lose Joel. And it scared the heck out of me. I know I was pregnant, but that isn't the only reason I spent several of the hours he was missing bawling. Since then, I have had many more opportunities to worry about his safety during his travels away from me. And I never really rest easy until he has arrived back home all in one piece. **And for those who wonder, he arrived home from London a few weeks ago safe and sound.**
Joel thinks I am too independent and is under some weird impression that I don't really need him. I assure you that he couldn't be more wrong. I think I need him more than I have ever needed another person in my life...at least my adult life, that is. I'm sure my mother would say I needed her quite a bit during my early years. And to clarify further, I don't just need him to help me with the kids or make dinner for me; I need him to help me be a better person, I need him to be my best friend and I need him to be my anchor of peace in the sea of craziness that is my life.