Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Meet the Peanut
Well folks....here is the cute little peanut that is making me so sick. Got to meet him/her today...very fun since I've never had such an early ultrasound before. They wanted to be sure of my due date, and it's moved up a couple days to August 10, 2006. I was hoping that they could move it up some crazy amount of time...like to July, but no luck.
Something about having 32 weeks still ahead of me really is discouraging. It's like that commercial where the girl is quitting smoking with the patch thing and talks about you have to take it one day at a time. Once you start looking at the whole entire picture it gets really overwhelming. Especially when I am so very sick...I just can't imagine having to deal with this for that much longer. So I am trying to focus on just one day at a time.
But even one day at a time is hard. I am afraid to wake up in the morning, because I know that as soon as I start coming out of my unconscious state I will be hit with a wave of nausea that is unbearable. I try to stay as still as possible, hoping that if I don't move I won't have to throw up...but it is usually a pointless process. I am afraid to eat, not knowing if I will see the food again later, but knowing I have to try to eat something. Eating is not enjoyable. Nothing sounds good to eat...nothing tastes good. Then, if I start feeling okay I start worrying that something happened to the baby, because I just can't comprehend feeling good and being pregnant at the same time, I guess. And the worst part is finding my girls crouching outside the bathroom when I come out, scared and worried for me. It just kills me.
I finally have some medication that's helping...unfortunately, it is so expensive that the insurance will only pay for 15 pills a month...which means I can take one every other day. So I took one yesterday morning and I felt decent until last night before bed. Today I had to make Joel stop the car 3 times so I could throw up on the way to and from the hospital for the ultrasound. So, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day because I can allow myself a pill, and hopefully this way it won't get so bad that I find myself in the ER again.
Don't get me wrong....I am very excited to be pregnant, and it was a really cool thing to see the tiny little thing today. Made it that much more real. I am perfectly willing to do this to get that little person here this August. But please, do not ask me how much I love being pregnant, because I don't. It is the worst condition my body can possibly be in...I do it because I love my kids and I wanted another one, not because I love being pregnant. So, one day at a time, like it or not, I'll get through this, and I'll be okay.