Basically, I don't have a life | Overstuffed Overstuffed

Friday, March 14, 2008

Basically, I don't have a life

So, it's midnight.

I'm not in bed. (Don't get mad, Mom.)

I've been "Facebooking." Normally, I'm not much of a "Facebooker," but Hilary's husband added me recently and I noticed he'd joined a BYU School of Music Alumni group. So I joined it. And found like a million friends. And now I'm obsessed.

Anyway.

I've been feeling a little down (jealous) because so many of them are doing such great things with their music careers. I just can't help but wonder what might have happened had I chosen a different route. But then, I realize that most of them that are doing amazing things are single. And then I think that I'm so glad I chose the route I did. I can't imagine giving up a wonderful husband and three fabulous children just so that I could have sung at a bigger venue.

One of my voice teachers once expressed some frustration about all of us girls at BYU getting our vocal performance degrees just so we could go be moms. Back then I had more ambition (and hadn't met Joel and wasn't dating anyone), so I thought that I would make a bigger career out of it. But then, that wasn't what happened, was it? And even if I use my skills a lot more than other graduates, sometimes I feel a little gypped.

On the other hand, I look back at what that teacher said to me and think that it doesn't matter. Even if I never did anything with my degree except sing to my children (and they generally hate it when I do anyway), and at church here and there, it would be worth it.

Anywho, just a little late night pondering/venting/rambling.

Thanks for listening.

ETA: Just wanted to clarify that the title of this post refers to all the time I have wasted on Facebook, and not that I think I don't have a life right now just because I'm not singing at the Met. :)

15 comments :

  1. I found you thru Alacey'e blog. Just a note about your career choices...my mother was a vocal performance master's graduate from BYU. After our family moved away from UT, she was performing a lot and had some promising offers to work...BUT she had 2 little ones at home, me and my brother. She chose to stay home with us, and that decision has had the most amazing effect on my life. I will always admire her for choosing my brother and me over a career. Keep up the good work!!!

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  2. I'm happy, any day, to be "just-a-mom".... after all it is my most HUGE accomplishment, and the one in which makes my Father In Heaven most pleased and proud..... there is priceless value in that which the world does not understand.

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  3. I went to a pretty big-deal art school, and I was surrounded by peers who are completely amazing, and some of whom have gone on to be pretty darn famous, even at a young age. It's hard not to wonder, "What if I had chosen that path? Did I do the right thing?" I guess the only thing I can say to you is please don't compare yourself to what other people have done with their careers. Everyone is different, and the same choices aren't right for everyone. And it just isn't possible to know what's ahead in the future, or how things will work out. You've chosen a husband and children, but who is to say that that stellar career isn't still ahead of you? You've said before that you'd like to be living somewhere else in a year—maybe there are fantastic opportunities waiting for you, wherever you end up! Before you know it, your kids are going to be older, and eventually all grown up, and I have a feeling we won't have heard the last of you! Keep your eyes on that future of yours; I bet it's as bright as you ever imagined.

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  4. Motherhood is the highest, holiest calling in all the world and it's eternal! Isn't that just wonderful? Lara, you will be singing forever, here in this life and in the next life! There will always be choirs to sing in, songs to be sung, and performances to give, but your greatest accomplishments are those girls, and I know you know it to be true. There is no question your choices are right. You doing great dear!

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  5. Your post makes me think of Derek's sister, Kjirsti. She is studying opera at the Oberlin Music Conservatory in Ohio. She was accepted with a full ride as a freshman and the teacher that is her mentor told her that she had very, very big plans for her. The frustration for her has been that the teachers at the music conservatory are not the staff that choose the leads for the productions. The productions that have been put on, some of them anyway, have been really scandalous and so she hasn't even wanted to audition for some. As a freshman, when she didn't land any lead roles, she thought, "Well, I'm a freshman, of course not." Now, she's in her senior year and the final production has already been chosen and she never once had the opportunity to be the lead. She did everything she was supposed to do, but it never happened. I think she too feels a little disturbed about where this is supposed to lead her. She got married last summer, but he's getting his PhD and medical degree all in one, so he won't be done with school for several years. She's thinking of getting a master's, but Oberlin doesn't offer a great master's in what she wants to continue with. She can't move 'cause he goes to medical school at Case Western...a lot of big questions...I wonder what she'll say when she looks back in a few years?

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  6. Lara, I am so happy I found you on facebook. I remember you vividly from Marriage of Figaro and voice classes. I was surpised to see your blog because this is EXACTLY the way I feel. I was just telling my mom that I am excited to visit BYU next month and go to the BYU singers concert -- though I will probably bawl through the whole thing. I cry whenever I see Cherilyn and Tracy and Shane and other familiar faces sing with the MoTabs at Conference. I love being a mom, but I loved creating and singing and performing, too. And while I know there will be a time for that, this isn't it. And sometimes that is a hard realization. I just keep telling myself that even if I am not using my talents to my full potential, I *am* using them to bless my children, the community, and the church. And I am home to raise my kids. Whether they like it, or not! So know that you aren't alone. I know that wanting to be "out there" doesn't make me love me love my job as a mother any less. I just have to be patient and wait for "my time."

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  7. I feel your frustration/thoughts on the whole what if scenarios? Sometimes I wonder if my talents are only for sacrament solos & lullabies, but we know we wouldn't trade our families for any amount of success. It's OK to dream, though.

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  8. I've often wondered about the "what if" scenarios. It never makes me happy when I do that though, so I try to avoid it. It's often hard being happy with where I am in life, but happiness is a choice. If I'm not happy, I need to change my attitude and make the best of my current situation. So hard to do some days, but it's what I try to do.

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  9. I actually had to stop going to my friends concerts for a while at BYU. I obviously had a lot of friends who were in performance, but I felt like cleaning up poop or holding someone's hair while they vomit wasn't nearly as fun. I missed the spotlight I'd had in high school. Turns out our family would be destitute if I didn't work... so all the time was well worth it. After all, you are THE spotlight for 3 little guys (and a large portion of it for one tall man who sometimes looks like Satan in his headshots).

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  10. You are living the life of both worlds and enjoy them! You are a mother who teaches and performs! It's great and you can enjoy both things that your Father in Heaven gave to you - your eternal calling and your talents!
    I agree with Facebook. I think, I don't have time for this but then when I sit - I get lost in it talking to friends and colleagues! Hours lost!

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  11. I know the feeling well. It is difficult to see what "might have been", but I'm with you. Nothing comapres, nothing has taught me the value of life that motherhood has. And I truly beleive that we will be blessed for our sacrifice to be committed to motherhood first. Somehow it will just all work out and our season will return!

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  12. You have the best career there is, you're a mom. They should be jealous of you! :O)

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  13. I know how you feel - I have those same feelings - not regret, but just wondering. The sad thing is, since I got married my Jr. year, and had a baby right away, I didn't even sing in a opera at BYU. I remember Dr. Stuart telling me that she felt she wouldn't get to make "her mark" on me, since I was pregnant and having a baby. Even with all that wondering, though, I don't for a minute regret getting married and having babies. Just before I left the MoTab, Cherilyn and I were discussing some of the opportunities that she has had, I was saying that I'd missed doing those things. She said she'd give all of it to be married and have a family. It was good to get perspective.

    Mary (Meyers) Marble

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  14. You and Joel have so much to be proud of and have pride in. You have been such great inspirations and role models for many and I just love you! I love that you still think about this because I think it shows that you still have a dream and imagination and high hopes. I love it, because only a very select lucky few have been privy to such great talent and a beautiful voice.

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  15. i think the trick in life is to enjoy it...i was going to add more, but that's really it. i sometimes get caught up in the past or am looking forward to the future when somehow i think things will be easier instead of enjoying it right now. i don't want to have any regrets having missed any of it cause really it is so wonderful. and one of the greatest blessings of our talents is being able to share them with our kids, making it a part of their lives too. it's the best of both worlds!

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