Certainty | Overstuffed Overstuffed

Monday, October 05, 2009

Certainty

Early morning's light


I can see my breath as I trudge up the hill holding a little girl's hand in each of mine. It's not quite light outside, but they still chatter at me about school and all that they are looking forward to doing today.  Our feet crunch through the dead leaves on the cement as we walk, reminding me of everything I love about October.

Except, I've never known any October here.

For all of my childhood I lived in the same city, and most of it in the same house.  The same house where my parents have now lived for 30 years.  It was familiar, it was welcoming, it was home.  Octobers for me meant college football and Halloween preparation.  It meant Mt. Timpanogos on fire with red, yellow and orange.  It meant sitting by the fire that my dad built to have Family Home Evening.  It meant a lot of things, and year after year those things were the same.  I counted on them.

And that's what I wanted for my own children.  A place to call home--to feel settled.  To know what to expect every October and to love it like I did.

So far, Bria has spent Octobers at two different homes in Provo, in Arizona, Cedar City and now here.  That's a lot of homes for someone who is just barely turning 9 years old.  This is Chloe's fourth home, and technically, Sophia's third, although we only lived in Arizona for 3 more weeks after her birth.  I haven't yet given my children that stability that I enjoyed and needed as a child.

And I myself have felt so unsettled in each of those homes.  Joel was still in school for much of that time, and we knew we would have to move on for yet another degree and then, when school was finally finished, a job.  But that first job never felt permanent.  We still felt unsettled.

But as I listen to my daughters telling me about the popcorn sale at school, I realize I don't feel that way anymore.  Everything feels so right about this place.  I have a feeling we'll be enjoying many Octobers to come.  We'll still have college football, and Halloween.  We might not have a burning Timp, but no matter!  Our entire neighborhood will soon be ablaze with fall colors.  And we can all cuddle up together for Family Home Evening by the fires that Joel will build.

I wait with the girls for the bus to come, and watch them happily board, eager to get to school.  I linger a little longer to see the bus round the corner, and then I turn to walk back home.

Home.

After more than ten years, I finally feel settled.

Bus Stop

35 comments :

  1. What an absolutely amazing post, Lara. I actually read through this twice before commenting. Your words are poetic.

    There is nothing more important than finding your sense of home in the world. I am so glad that you finally have this in your life again.

    -Francesca

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  2. I'm so happy for you. The girls seem to be settling well. Are you making costumes this year? Can't wait to see what you come up with! :o)

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  3. I'm glad you can love October in your new home. But I do feel sorry for you and your girls that you're headed to the bus when it's still dark outside!!

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  4. Love it! I moved 9 times before I graduated high school...kids are adaptable and they survive. But oh how it is nice to feel settled. I don't feel that here, even though we bought this house...one day...

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  5. I know how that whole is-this-really-where-we're-supposed-to-be feeling is like, and it's not great. So I'm so happy you feel settled now!

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  6. Ohhhh ... I am battling the "too settled" feeling. I have lived here since I was 7 years old, my husband since he was 5. Part of me really wants to get out and experience life in a different part of the country, and part of me is so nervous about living away from family, we have been so spoiled. So, we'll see where life takes us, I am keeping an open mind. But, back to you, your words were beautiful ... got me thinking ... have a great day!

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  7. Wow, you really feel settled, that fast after moving there? It's been over a year here, and I still don't feel it. I have the comfort of knowing this is where we are supposed to be, for now, but I have yet to feel like we've put down roots. I don't think that will happen until I can go into the grocery store or post office and see at least two or three people I know at each place, like how it was when I grew up. Maybe this will never happen, maybe this world has gotton too big for that. I'm happy for you. Owning a home and feeling great in it is a wonderful thing.--Amanda B.

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  8. There's nothing like the feeling of your roots growing deep.

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  9. That made me all teary. What a beautiful post and pictures Lara.

    I am so happy that you feel settled. (even if i selfishly want you back here) That is such an amazing feeling. One that I do not feel currently. But hope to maybe next year?

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  10. So glad that you feel settled, I would love to have that feeling. In ten and a half years of marriage we have lived in at least a dozen different houses, the longest being for 2 years and 9 months. Don't even get me started on when I was growing up, the longest I have ever lived somewhere in my life is 5 years...

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  11. I'm not sure I have ever felt that way here. We've always thought we'd leave. Although, this is definitely home to our kids and we have plenty of traditions here...
    Somehow I always think we'll be leaving...

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  12. You know, no matter where you go or how often it changes, home is always a good place to be.

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  13. sniff, sniff. I'm so HAPPY for you! What a beautiful feeling, and so beautifully shared.

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  14. I know the feeling, precisely. Except it took me 27 years to feel that first inkling of permanence, here in this new and (hopefully!) final home of ours. And there's something about autumn that really makes that feeling set into your bones. Maybe it's the hot cocoa, or the chill in the air, or the leaves...I don't know. It's an incredible feeling, and I'm so glad it's returned for you. And what a gift for your girls! It sounds like they're settling in beautifully, which I think is the perfect sign that this is the right place for you.

    Welcome home.

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  15. Oh what a great feeling!! Loved this post.

    My only question is what on earth stinkin time do your girls have to get on the bus? It looks totally dark outside!

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  16. What a wonderful thing to read and to hear from you. I know this move wasn't easy, and it is great to see that you're feeling settled.

    I'm a little envious. You're in for a glorious autumn.

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  17. That is so neat that you finally feel settled! It sounds like Michigan is doing really great things for you and your family.

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  18. How wonderful to have that feeling of home. I'm glad you've found it there. Enjoy.

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  19. I am happy for you to feel that way.
    I enjoy reading about your acclimation to this new life of yours. The drastic change - Moving across the country seems drastic to me anyway.
    Anyway, welcome home.

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  20. Such a great post! There truly is no place like home...

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  21. What a beautiful post! I hope I find that I have some "roots" some day myself!

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  22. This post is beautiful Lara. I am so happy you have that wonderful feeling of finally "being home". I am very happy for you.

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  23. I'm so happy for you!

    This entire post is something out of a dream. Beautiful and lyrical.

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  24. I just love the feeling of being settled and a feeling of home. It just seems to make life a little easier. I really enjoyed this post.

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  25. We have moved a lot too! Three weeks after Emie was born we left the life I thought we would always have. I am still waiting to feel "settled." But really settled is just being together. So I guess we are there. I totally understand where you are coming from.

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  26. That post brought back my own Autumn memories. Thanks for that, and for the beautiful post. I am glad that you have found home.

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  27. Oh, looks beautiful! I think you are going to be happy to feel settled. We were on the same trajectory as you for years. We actually lived in 7 places over seven years (hubby in school that whole time). But it sure helped us to appreciate our first mortgage. Been in this neighborhood over 15 years now.

    Best of luck. I love the idea of holding little girl hands!

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  28. You said it, Lara! I can't wait for our home as well. Someday, somewhere... I hope you will be happy at your new home.

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  29. As they say there is no place like home and I am glad you have found yours!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog to say hi!!

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  30. Lovely post, Lara. I'm so so glad for all of you. I love roots and have an enormous desire to put them down firmly in our final home. I don't know yet if this is the one. I guess I'll see.

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  31. I LOVE how green it is up there! That's so wonderful to feel at home finally!

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  32. This post makes me want to cry, I still don't feel settled in my house, neighborhood, ward. We are talking about moving and building a new place to call home.
    It is wonderful that you feel like your roots can settle.
    Congratulations to you!!

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  33. I came to your blog under the direction of Steph from DD. I am so glad I got to read this post.

    It gives me hope.

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