Stephanie over at Diapers and Divinity recently thought up a wonderful blog award called the Post-It Note. (Actually, I'm not sure if that is what it is called, but that is what I am calling it, anyway.) I was lucky enough to receive it from her, because she liked my post, Certainty.
So, first of all, thanks to Steph for totally making my day. That day was one where I needed a bit of a pick-me up, and this award definitely fit the bill.
Now, I am supposed to pass it along. While Stephanie awarded three bloggers, I am, for the time being, only going to award one. (Much of this has to do with the fact that I have been too busy to read blogs lately, but I reserve the right to award more people if I want.)
Before I unveil the post that really struck a chord in me and made me think a lot on it, I must first tell you a bit of backstory.
As you know, I have three beautiful children. What you may not know is that, while I definitely wanted to become a mother, once I became a mother (9 years ago yesterday), it just didn't come as easily to me as I had hoped. It is hard for me to lay aside my own desires in life and really concentrate on what is best for my children. Maybe I was a little surprised at the sacrifices that motherhood requires. Maybe I was selfish. I don't know. I am sure this is not anything abnormal, but I have always felt a little guilty for those feelings, especially in the LDS culture.
Something else you may not know is that we have been trying to have another baby for quite some time now. Long enough, that I really should have a newborn by now, but it has never been super easy for me to get pregnant. Recently, as I was going around my house doing all those things that mothers do every day, it dawned on me that I was totally fine if my three daughters are the only children I am destined to have. I feel like I should have another baby, and I even want to, but I am fine if I don't. And knowing that I would be fine with only three also makes me feel just a little bit guilty.
When I read Emily's post on her blog (which it looks like she is retiring), pointing out her contributions to this quarter's Segullah magazine , I clicked on through and read. Her piece, Finding Myself on Google, brought tears to my eyes, and validated so many of the feelings that I have previously felt guilty for having. It reconfirmed just how important motherhood is, but didn't deny how difficult it can be at the same time. And mostly, it helped me to remember that God knows me, knows what I can and can't handle and that if it is His will for me to have another child, it will happen. Because honestly, as much as I think having another baby is the right thing to do, I'm not sure I could really handle it. And that's okay. Because I have a wonderful family as is.
So, go read Emily's post and just try not to be inspired by it.