Friday, January 27, 2006

Life really is fair, when you think about it...

Warning: This is essentially becoming a blog about being pregnant. I typically blog about whatever is on my mind, and, well, I'm thinking an awful lot about pregnancy, so bear with me...maybe it won't last the entire pregnancy...but maybe it will!

When I was pregnant with Bria, I ran around screaming "unfair" an awful lot. Many of my friends were pregnant at the same time, and as I watched them and their (what seemed to me) EASY pregnancies, I was jealous. Very, very jealous. It was maddening to me to wonder all the time why I had to feel so awful for the whole time and barely come out of my house, much less function normally while they exercised, socialized and EVEN KEPT THEIR HOUSES CLEAN. Amazing. Did I mention I was jealous?

Well, I learned a little something when my first friend had her baby. She suddenly had a horrible case of toxemia and almost died. Then I had my baby 2 weeks later. I was blessed with 2.5 hours of hard labor (yes, she was my first child) and only 15 minutes of pushing. I also was lucky enough to have the easiest baby around....she rarely cried, she was a champion breastfeeder, a great sleeper and just plain angelic. Then, another friend had her baby. Even though she was back to pre pregnancy clothes before she even left the hospital, she had a long, hard labor and her baby was so colicky we could hear him screaming throughout the apartment complex often. I started to think that maybe we're all tried in pregnancy and childbirth somehow. To some women, it might be a terrible trial to never lose all the pregnancy weight that was gained. To others, they may have difficult labors or have to deal with pre-term labor. To others their trial might be sciatica or other common pregnancy ailments that are, nonetheless, difficult to deal with. To yet others, the trials of childbearing may not rear their ugly heads until the baby is a teenager, but they will have some sort of sacrifice in having their children. I soon found myself thinking "I sure wouldn't want to be her...I'll take my angel baby and horrific pregnancy over the colic anyday!"

Did I just admit that I would rather suffer from hyperemesis than have a colicky baby? Yes. I think that all in all we all have our difficulties and I've stopped screaming "unfair" with my subsequent pregnancies, even though I often wish that I could just have a 36 hour labor instead....wouldn't 36 hours of pain be better than 9 months of nausea and vomiting? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I should just be happy with what I have been given.

And I think life is just that way. We should never look at others and complain how unfair it is that they are such and such and we are not. We simply do not know what it is that they might be currently dealing with, have previously dealt with or will have to deal with at some point. We need to content ourselves with bearing the load we have been given. That's all. Life may not seem fair, but really, when it comes down to it, it is.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

My blocks have been knocked down

Jaroldeen Edwards (see this blog for more information why she is my total hero) said this: We are all made of the same basic building blocks and we each build them into a formation that is our basic personality. But sometimes they get knocked down, and although we are building from the same basic materials, we won't always rebuild in exactly the same way.

Pregnancy has knocked my blocks down, and I haven't really been able to build them back up again. It is frustrating for me, but I guess it is a necessary part of life. We all have our blocks knocked over from time to time as we face challenges in our lives. The nice thing to remember, is that when we rebuild, the structure will probably be better than it was before we toppled. That is, if we choose to look at our trials as learning experiences and grow from them. I suppose if we don't, we could build a structure that is weaker than the original.

One thing I have learned through all of my pregnancies is the need to allow others to serve me. I love to serve others and help how I can, and I really am a bit prideful about being served. But pregnancy for me has knocked that block right down and caused me to put it at the bottom of the pile. It is a necessary lesson for me...we are here to help each other, and each of us goes through seasons as the servant and seasons as the one who needs service. If we don't allow another to serve us, we are essentially denying them blessings and opportunity for growth. And we are also denying ourselves opportunity for growth...the growth that can only come when your blocks have been knocked down and you must accept help from another in order to build them back up again.

I have been truly humbled by the people who have helped me. I've had a sister come by and mop and sweep and vacuum my house. Another sister dropped some yellow daisies by this morning to brighten my day, and they did. Many meals and concerned phone calls have happened my way, and many people have offered to help with Chloe. Tears come to my eyes when I think of how much people really do want to help, and it makes me happy to know that I am somehow blessing their lives as they bless mine.

I hope that when my blocks are rebuilt, that this time around I will be even more aware of others' needs and do what I can to help. I also hope that I will be a stronger and better person all around...but for now, I'm doing what I can with the mess of blocks that I have been given.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

So I was tagged...

So I came home from my little stint in the hospital to find that my blog has been tagged. And since I really don't feel like writing about what's really going on in my life at the moment (maybe I will later), it was a welcome thing. So, thanks Cat for the tag and here goes:

4 Jobs You Have Had in Your Life:

1. ShopKo cashier, service desk, Point of Sales Supervisor
2. Romanian Teacher at the MTC
3. Sales associate at the Museum of Art on BYU Campus
4. Voice teacher

4 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over:

Harry Potter (all of them)
The Scarlet Pimpernel
The Princess Bride

4 Places You Have Lived:

Orem, UT
Nauvoo, IL
Mesa, AZ

4 TV Shows You Love to Watch:

Ummm....I don't watch that much TV, but lately as a sickie I've been watching a lot of Oprah and Dr. Phil, although I wouldn't say I LOVE to watch them.

4 Places You Have Been on Vacation:

San Diego
New York City

4 Websites You Visit Daily:

Two Peas In A Bucket (Gotta keep up on the hometown news!)
Various blogs

4 of Your Favorite Foods:

Fettucine Alfredo
Mashed potatoes
French Toast

4 Places You Would Rather Be Right Now:

I don't really care where as long as I felt healthy and strong. Seriously, I can't even answer this question.

4 Bloggers you'd like to see answer these questions:

Seriously almost every other blog I read faithfully has already been GO HILARY!!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Meet the Peanut

Well is the cute little peanut that is making me so sick. Got to meet him/her today...very fun since I've never had such an early ultrasound before. They wanted to be sure of my due date, and it's moved up a couple days to August 10, 2006. I was hoping that they could move it up some crazy amount of to July, but no luck.

Something about having 32 weeks still ahead of me really is discouraging. It's like that commercial where the girl is quitting smoking with the patch thing and talks about you have to take it one day at a time. Once you start looking at the whole entire picture it gets really overwhelming. Especially when I am so very sick...I just can't imagine having to deal with this for that much longer. So I am trying to focus on just one day at a time.

But even one day at a time is hard. I am afraid to wake up in the morning, because I know that as soon as I start coming out of my unconscious state I will be hit with a wave of nausea that is unbearable. I try to stay as still as possible, hoping that if I don't move I won't have to throw up...but it is usually a pointless process. I am afraid to eat, not knowing if I will see the food again later, but knowing I have to try to eat something. Eating is not enjoyable. Nothing sounds good to eat...nothing tastes good. Then, if I start feeling okay I start worrying that something happened to the baby, because I just can't comprehend feeling good and being pregnant at the same time, I guess. And the worst part is finding my girls crouching outside the bathroom when I come out, scared and worried for me. It just kills me.

I finally have some medication that's helping...unfortunately, it is so expensive that the insurance will only pay for 15 pills a month...which means I can take one every other day. So I took one yesterday morning and I felt decent until last night before bed. Today I had to make Joel stop the car 3 times so I could throw up on the way to and from the hospital for the ultrasound. So, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day because I can allow myself a pill, and hopefully this way it won't get so bad that I find myself in the ER again.

Don't get me wrong....I am very excited to be pregnant, and it was a really cool thing to see the tiny little thing today. Made it that much more real. I am perfectly willing to do this to get that little person here this August. But please, do not ask me how much I love being pregnant, because I don't. It is the worst condition my body can possibly be in...I do it because I love my kids and I wanted another one, not because I love being pregnant. So, one day at a time, like it or not, I'll get through this, and I'll be okay.